The Discovery

If you recall, I stated in my last entry, "I will Blog soon, barring a natural disaster, a surprise baby on the way, or some other unforeseen event." Well, a tsunami, a set of twins on the way, and a broken computer is enough to set anyone back a few months. For those of you who have viewed the URL on my profile, I must confess that the LIFE IS FUNNY website is not my own; I am not Mr. K. The website belongs to a friend who seems to nail the tribulations of life on the toe and I enjoy reading the articles on occasion. I always was and will always remain, Billy Joe Berlin Ito. Sorry to disappoint you, Anonymous.

Anyway, back to the never-ending drama that is my life. Today, I made a discovery that no parent should ever have to make. It all started when Waldo (my son for those who so easily forget) woke up this morning complaining of a headache. He gets migraines on occasion and we find the best therapy for it is a generous amount of cocoa butter rubbed on his earlobes. (I am not saying this remedy will work for everyone, but it works great for my boy.) So I go into his bathroom to get the cocoa butter, open the cabinet, push aside the medicated shampoo, only to find a pornographic magazine staring at me. Now, any father stumbling upon his son’s pornographic magazine stash is thrust into an awkward predicament, especially if the boy is seven years old. I remember how awkward it was when my father found my Playboy collection a couple of years ago. But I was 35… Waldo is seven! It took a few seconds for the shock to wear off before I realized that it was a pornographic magazine targeted to women. This realization sent my body into a second state of shock—thankfully I was next to the toilet. The ultimate question surfaced around the same instant my breakfast did… “What do I do now?” Do I show my lovely and pregnant wife, Ms Ito-Tallon? Do I remove the magazine without telling Waldo? Do I replace the magazine with another pornographic magazine directed at straight men? Do I confront Waldo about the dilemma?

The really crazy part of it is that I cannot for the life of me figure out what Waldo is doing with the magazine. Sure all my loyal readers will have an opinion, but Waldo suffers from cryptorchidism, a condition in which his testicles never descended. Well, I ended up putting the magazine back while I ponder my options and the best course of action. I rubbed the cocoa butter on his earlobes as if nothing had happened and shipped him off to school. If anyone has any suggestions about what I should do, please tell!

Anyway, I am off to work. Hopefully I will Blog soon and inform everyone of the good news regarding Ms Ito-Tallon and the baby.

Me taking a break from my son and my wife.

No Longer Ms Tallon

Well, it's official; I am a Blog Abuser! I have neglected this damn thing for too long. I am a horrible, horrible committer and therefore a horrible, horrible person. I wouldn't know what commitment was if it came and bit me on my toe.
Now the good news, Ms Tallon and I are officially husband and wife. She is no longer merely Ms Tallon, rather Sheila Henrietta Ito-Tallon. (She wanted to take on my last name while keeping her own, so the hyphen just seemed best.) Why the sudden wedding you ask? To answer that, you must look back to a previous Blog entitled, "Tallon's of Steel." What I had left unmentioned was that Ms Ito-Tallon and I engaged in sexual intercourse (consensual, of course). As it turned out, the little "love wrapper" must have been defective because two weeks later Ms Ito-Tallon was "late." Being from very strict Catholic upbringings, the only option was a quick and painless wedding. She took off from work and we checked Waldo out from school for the week. We flew three hours to Las Vegas where we had a lovely ceremony in a white chapel, appropriately named "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love." As the name implies, we were wedded by Elvis Himself and spent the rest of the vacation honeymooning with the slot-machines. We boarded Waldo during the afternoons at a local nursing home for special children whose parents were in the same predicament. The fact that these facilities exist seems to take many people by surprise, but as the advertisement states, "What goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas." The wedding and honeymoon were both wonderful, and I am happy to be home with my new wife and Waldo.
We are expecting to have the child in about nine-months, God willing. We told Waldo that we were expecting to have a child and he got excited. To be honest, I was expecting his bed wetting episodes to start again, but he was not upset by this news. He was actually looking forward to participating in the work associated with raising a new family member. Ms Ito-Tallon and I have been thinking of names for the baby. I have always loved the names Pinkerton and Amadeus for a son. Ms Ito-Tallon likes Periwinkle or Gretchen for a daughter. We will most definitely have to compromise because I was thinking more along the lines of Sharlize. Ms Ito-Tallon and I offered Waldo a chance to pick names, and bless his little heart, he said, "Daddy, if I have a thithter," [don't forget he has that speech impediment] "I won' her to be Ingwid. And if I have a bwotha, I won' him to be Thigpen." Ms Ito-Tallon and I agreed that it may be best to use his suggestions so he won't feel distanced or threatened by a new sibling. I am certain that Waldo will make an incredible brother, regardless of his disabilities.
Anyway, I am off to work now. I will Blog soon, barring a natural disaster, a surprise baby on the way, or some other unforeseen event.

Foot Powder and Waldo

Wow! We had quite a scare today with Waldo and a severe allergic reaction. Waldo happens to be highly allergic to certain compounds, especially dust, pet dander, peanuts, wheat (he's whea-tarded as I like to call him), your garden variety venomous insects, and apparently talcum powder as well. The latter of the allergens was the one we discovered today while powdering Waldo's orthopedic shoes. Since he has the condition malnexus rhakhis, Waldo is unable to support himself properly with his feet alone. The doctors constructed a brace for Waldo that fits snuggly into his orthopedic shoes. It's really quite neat since the whole contraption is well concealed underneath his favorite pair of blue pants. Well, I don't have to tell you that when someone wears a pair of shoes for extended periods of time, bad things start to grow.
Once a week, I take Waldo's shoes and put some medicated powder in them to kill the fungus and bacteria, and I do the same with his bare feet. Well, as I was applying the powder this afternoon, his feet began to swell to the size of jumbo watermelons and they began to smell like rotting banana peels. I immediately ran to the medicine cabinet, grabbed his auto injector and made a B-line back to the kitchen where Waldo lie splayed on the tiles. As I was administering the auto injector, I jabbed myself in the hand accidentally and started screaming because the thing hurt like a rat out of hell. I ran to the sink to rinse the blood from my hand and ended up knocking an antique glass serving platter that belonged to Ms Tallon off the drying rack, sending it plummeting to the kitchen floor. In my panicky state, I tried to jump over the shards of glass, clearing all but a handful of pieces that immediately took up residence in the soles of my feet.
So there I was, shards of glass lodged in my feet and a puncture wound in my hand, lying flat on the ground, hollering. And there Waldo was, feet swollen to the size of a baby elephant, lying flat on the ground, hollering. And there came Ms Tallon, baseball bat in her hand after hearing all the hollering and breaking glass, standing in the doorway with her feet flat on the ground, hollering. And there was Ms Tallon's antique glass serving platter in a million pieces, lying flat on the ground, silent.
A trip to the emergency room and a couple of shots later, Waldo and I are both confined to wheelchairs for the next day or two. It's actually quite nice though; Waldo and I have had a few wheelchair races and it is turning out to be a good bonding session between father and son. I let him win the races, and I get "I wuv you, dahd" in return. I think it's a fair trade.
And if you are wondering about the priceless platter... Ms Tallon forgives me for the accident, but her deceased great grandmother is probably doing handstands in the grave. Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

Ivan the Powerful

Wow, it certainly has been a long time since last I wrote. I blame the hurricane that struck the east coast though, because it is difficult to blog without power. So, Ms Tallon came to stay over with Waldo and I for the storm. She figured our house would be safer than the trailer she resides in. I don't blame her though, especially since the trailer park is adjacent to the river. It turns out her home was washed away in the flood, so now she is staying with us. We call this her "temporary" residence, but I think it will blossom in to much more than that.
I truly believe that I am in love with Ms Tallon! I haven't told her yet, but I can feel it. I thought I was in love when Sheila and I eloped. I later found out from my doctor, much to my chagrin, that it was just a mixture of the tequila, bad chili, and her genital herpes. What did I know? I was young, stupid, drunk, and hallucinating.
Well, anyway this was Waldo's first hurricane and he handled it pretty well, relatively. You have to understand that Waldo has a psychological disorder called Macabre Apprehensive Disorder (MAD) so any little thing could set him off worrying. When he has a MAD attack, he begins to whimper like a lame puppy and then if he is able to fall asleep, he wets his bed. Needless to say, we had a few sheets to change. Luckily no one in our neighborhood was injured and there was minimal damage to our house, other than the power outage and the fallen trees and missing roof shingles.
It's about time for Ms Tallon to arrive with Waldo, so I have to start on dinner and finish my work. Until next time.... MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.

Tallons of Steel

Saturday night was incredible! Ms Tallon came over, as expected, for a wonderful dinner with Waldo and I. With the horrors of Friday morning's fire fresh in my mind, I was too scared to try my hand at cooking a gourmet meal. Rather, I ordered out from a nice Chinese restaurant around the corner, but served the food from my own wok. Ms Tallon was impressed with "my" Moo Goo Guy Pan and Moo Shoo Pork. I think she was pretty keen about "my" Beef with Broccoli as well. To her, it was home-made bliss; to me, it was numbers 32, 45 and 69 on the takeout menu.
During dinner we began to discuss current events. (It turns out we have the same views on many different things.) Right in the middle of our discussion on what should be done with the space program, Waldo interupted, "Ms Tawon, Ms Tawon." [Waldo has a speech impediment.] "Ask me how ta spe'wh my name." Waldo was obviously excited about his newfound ability to spell his name, so Ms Tallon did as she was asked. Waldo answered, "W- a- l- the number seven- d- o." Ms Tallon and I looked at each other, bewildered. Being the father I am, I attempted to correct Waldo, explaining that there was no seven in his name. Then Waldo came up with the most incredible response, "Dad, the seven is silent." Despite his smaller than average brain size (he has Parahippocampal diminuere) that boy is so bright. Sometimes I wonder if anything is really wrong with him... then I see him walk with his cane and his eyeglasses and I realize that he is different. Sad really.
Well, after dinner I helped Waldo into his beloved red and white striped pajamas and tucked him into bed. I kissed him goodnight and joined Ms Tallon in the den where I put on my favorite Charlize Theron movie. During one of the sex scenes, Ms Tallon and I got to talking about our feelings on the subject. I told her about my extensive pornography collection and she told me in a playful manner that she was interested in seeing it.
I am not one to kiss and tell, but I am not calling this blog Tallons of Steel for nothing! Of course one thing led to another... yadda yadda yadda... we had a wonderful breakfast Sunday morning with Waldo of bacon and eggs.
I am sure that Waldo and I will be seeing a lot more of Ms Tallon in the future. I really had a good time with her Saturday, and I can honestly say that I have fallen for her. Well, it's time for me to get ready for work, so I will keep you loyal readers updated.

Waldo's Day

Wow, what a day! Yesterday, September 10th, was my son's birthday and he officially turned 7. In the morning, I brought him breakfast in bed which consisted of scrambled eggs and melted cheese on toast, which nearly turned out to be a small scale catastrophe. Let me explain. I am not the best cook by any means and I accidentally started a small fire, burning the eggs in the process. See, the brand of eggs that I buy comes in the cardboard egg holders. Well, I used the last of them and left the empty carton next to the burner. When I reached into the toaster-oven to get the toast out (our toaster-oven is next to the stove), I bumped the carton onto the lit burner. I turned around to grab a plate out of the pantry, and when I looked back to check on the eggs, the cardboard was engulfed in flame. Being the safety conscious person I am, I had baking soda readily available and sprinkled it over the fire. There was no damage to anything in the kitchen, other than my pride, of course. Well, as I was cleaning the charred mess, I forgot about the eggs that were cooking and once I saw them smoking, the damage was already done. Since I had used the last of the eggs and it was too late to pick more up from the grocer, I just used the burned batch.
Anway, I brought Waldo the eggs and toast and gently woke him up. Well, relatively gently; Waldo is a little hard of hearing and it is difficult to stir him in the mornings. I believe the doctors call his hearing condition Timbal Deafinicio. When he did wake up in his red and white striped pajamas, he had the cutest smile on his face. Needless to say, he scarfed down the breakfast right then and gave me a humongous hug.
At 3 PM, when he got out of school, I was right there to surprise him as planned. I had Ms Tallon hold Waldo after class to "tell him something important." I showed up with the 9 candles on the half melted ice cream cake and the three of us sang him happy birthday. Joey, one of Waldo's friends also stayed after and did his own rendition of "You live in a zoo/ you smell like a hippo/ and you look like one too." This got a laugh out of us all, and sometime between then and the cutting of the cake, I got the nerve to ask Ms Tallon to join us for dinner tomorrow night. She smiled her beautiful smile and agreed to come over. Meanwhile, Waldo was huffing and puffing to blow out the candles. It only took him three tries as opposed to last year, when it took him about five tries to get the 6 candles extinguished.
The cake was very good except for the hair I found in it. I couldn't tell if it was baked in or if it was one of my own, but it detracted from the moment. Either someone at McCarnigan's Bakery is in violation of the Health Code, or I am balding. Regardless, Waldo enjoyed the celebration and we went home.
At about 9 PM his mother, Sheila, called to wish him a happy birthday but he was already asleep. Sheila and I spoke for a few minutes and I found out that she is suspicious that Jacques may be cheating on her. Serves the Old Witch right! Whatever the outcome, I am sure she will be pregnant with his child in a few weeks. I hope he realized what he got into before he started seeing her.
Well, it's getting late here and I have to go to work soon. I will fill all you loyal readers in on how the date with Ms Tallon went. Until next time, Nanoo nanoo.